Wednesday, April 30, 2008

She Ain't What She Used to Be

Last night I decided to curl up on my bed with a good book. I was waiting for my 9 o'clock show to come on so I had a little downtime to get cozy and relax. There I was, getting caught up in my book, when I heard a strange sound coming from the bathroom that sounded like dripping water. Immediately my thoughts went to my dog. I launched myself off of the bed and ran to the bathroom, horrified at what I saw. There was Sash, head in the toilet, lapping up the water. As I yelled her name, she casually lifted her head and looked at me with a dopey "what" look on her face while droplets rolled off her chin. NEVER have I seen my dog even try to make an attempt to drink the toilet water. What made it worse, was the fact that the toilet had been occupied by an "anonymous" person just minutes before. Gross, Sash! I couldn't believe it!

Either she's finally gone senile or these last few seizures she's had have rewired her brain completely. Not only do I now have to watch her around toilets but the trash cans as well. We found out this week that she feels no convictions about going through the trash cans looking for goodies. Used tissues seem to be a favorite of hers. SICK. Yes, my dog is a dumpster diver. It's gotten to the point that we now have to keep all trash cans out of her reach. A few nights ago I had a 3a.m. wake up call when I heard strange "ruffled" sounds coming from the family room. I went to investigate and found my dog with her head in the trash can munching on tissues.

That's NOT a twinkie with cream, Sash.

Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Dive Bomb Bonanza

I truly think the bees in my neighborhood have it out for me. No joke!

After a long day at work, all I can think about is getting home, sliding into something comfy, and relaxing for a little bit. As I pulled up to the house yesterday evening, I gathered all my things from the car and started walking across the yard. I'm halfway across the yard when out of NO WHERE comes this big, black carpenter bee and he dive bombs my head! I tell you truthfully, he was within inches of coming in contact with my head! Needless to say, it freaked me out and I jerked low to the ground in case he was preparing for a second attack. As I stand up and continue my walk through the yard, my senses are on alert for an incoming attack and my heart is pounding. And all I can hear coming from the inside of the house is my mom laughing away and I notice my dad take off from the window. They'd seen it all. Personally, I didn't think it was funny. Just the noise of the carpenter bees wings is enough to get me nervous. I think my dad thought I had tripped on something in the yard as I was walking up but my mom saw it all.

On Sunday afternoon, there was a smaller black bee that was hovering around the front porch where my mom and I were sitting. As he continued buzzing in and out of our range I was hoping that he had finally taken the hint and buzzed off for the last time. Boy was I wrong. Mom went in the house for a minute and as I was sitting alone on the bench I hear that all too familiar "bzzzzz" nearby. I casually glance around and notice he is hovering an inch from my knee. (YES, an inch or less!) I let out a yelp and I can hear my mom inside giggling. I think I was more concerned about him going up my shorts than anything. When I didn't see him after the "yelp" I quickly got up and patted down my shorts, just to make sure that he was not within.

Then on Saturday morning, I was working in the garden and the whole time I was working, there was this little bee that continued to buzz around my head. He wasn't your typical honey bee, he's the kind that makes a little hole in the dirt and burrows down. I figured he'd leave me alone if I left him alone. But oh how hard it was for me to ignore his constant buzzing near my head when all I wanted to do was swat him from the sky. I figured he wouldn't sting me but oh how that constant buzzing puts me on edge.

Ya know, I'm just afraid that one of these days a bee is going to dive bomb my head, get stuck in the curls and sting the top of my head. Then what'll happen?!

Ya, who's laughing now...............

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Applecritters

Why was there a brown thing in my cup of applesauce that resembled a bug leg? And why did I continue eating my sauce after the fact?

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Manure Mouth

It is what it is. My dog likes to snack on cow poop. Lovely.

My dad re-seeded the backyard yesterday, along with fertilizing it and placing a couple bags of manure over it. My dad called me out there last night to check it out and as I was admiring his work I glanced over my shoulder and there was Sash munching on clods of manure. I suppose all hopes of a WKC win are out the window now. I attempted to correct her behavior the Cesar Millan way and thought I was doing a good job of it but my dog is persistent in her own "special" way. As I couldn't trust her out there I brought her in the house with me but when I went back out to check the steaks on the grill, "you know who" was right on my heels. While I was oohing and aahing over the juicy meat, Sash had snuck away to her corner of the yard, working on her own little feast. As I got closer to her I could see the crazy cow eye spark in her eyes and she just froze. I reached out to grab her and she dodged to the left. I lunged to the left and she skedaddled to the right. She had turned into a crazy cattle dog! I tell you, there are very few times I have seen her stick her rear to the ground and take off running like that. It was like a firecracker had lit her tail on fire. She was on her own little mission.

Anywho, last night she coughed up a manure clod just like a cat coughing up a hairball. Once again---lovely. This morning as I went to feed Sash I glanced in her water bowl to check the level and all across the bottom of her bowl were tidbits of manure. Nothing like cleansing the pallet.

My dog---the cow pattie queen.

Monday, April 21, 2008

Breathe In, Breathe Out

I feel like my breathing pattern is off today.

It's throwing me off kilter. Can you relate? Not only do I feel like I'm being forced to yawn but I feel like I can't satisfy a breath, almost as though I'm not breathing deep enough. I noticed it started this morning before I headed to work. I feel like I'm wearing Dad's back brace. I believe when a skirt doesn't sit at the hips I feel like I'm being restrained and it messes with my breathing. (Or maybe it just messes with my head.)

I'm a piece of work.

Friday, April 18, 2008

BonBon's & Almonds

As I am all alone at the office this morning I thought I would lift my spirits with a snack. Little did I know that I would turn out looking like a chipmunk.

I pulled out my little cup of almonds and had the bright idea to add some chocolate to the mix. I reached into my hidden stash and pulled out a dark chocolate truffle. Why not have the best of both worlds, right? So, there I sat. I'd take a bite of truffle and pop an almond in my mouth. I had the bite of truffle lodged just right in my mouth that I was able to melt a little chocolate with each almond I popped into my mouth before having to take another bite off of the truffle. It was the perfect ratio......until the last bite.

On the last bite of truffle I somehow managed to dislodge it from the perfect location in my mouth and when I popped an almond in I wound up chewing all the chocolate with the almond. Too much chocolate and not enough almond. My perfect equation was ruined. I popped almond after almond into my mouth to try and balance out the chocolate to almond ratio and before I realized what I was doing I had my cheeks packed full. I looked like a chipmunk and felt like one too.

I couldn't believe what I'd done. How unladylike. At least my sister wasn't there to see the chocolate on my lips.

Thursday, April 17, 2008

Don't laugh.....

Oh my goodness, I thought I was going to burst with laughter! We have clients in this week and one of them stopped by my desk this morning for a simple request. After giving him my answer on the matter I figured that was the end of the conversation. Oh, so wrong. The next thing I know he's diving into his life story.

First off, he had me at a disadvantage as I was sitting in my chair while he was towering over me. So there I am with my neck craned back just to look this guy in the eye. Second off, as he's giving me the rundown of his entire life history all I can think about in the back of my head is---I really don't care. As he was comparing himself to a fellow co-worker and describing him as a little Irish man with red hair I could feel the bubble in my throat rising. Especially when he asked me if I thought they were comparable in size. How am I supposed to answer that?! Ummm........how bout' another intelligent nod of the head. I could FEEL the laughter at the top of my throat and all I could think was, "Don't laugh girl, DO NOT LAUGH......"

It didn't help matters when my sister went walking by during his conversation. As I was imagining what my sister was thinking, I could feel the bubble of laughter rising in my throat once again and had to continue repeating in my head, "DO NOT LAUGH, DO NOT........" in a very serious tone.

Somehow I got through the conversation without cracking a smile and giving clue to my true emotions. Hollywood, here I come!

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Cramp'In My Style

Last night my dad and I decided to head out for a bike ride after dinner. Once we'd gone about 4 miles we changed direction and headed to my sisters house. As I was in the front I was peddling my lil heart out, trying to keep up to speed so Dad wound't run me over. (I have to try and compete with his tree stump legs full of muscle.) Anyhow, as my legs were busy racing in circles around the pedals I took a moment to take in my surroundings and ---BAM---ZING---TWANG! Both my feet decided to cramp up at the exact same time! I thought I was going to crash. I wanted to stop and rub them out but decided against it for fear of being run over by Dad. So I did the next best thing. I pointed my toes in the air as best I could to stretch out the kinks while continuting to peddle my lil' heart out. I probably looked like a frog riding a bike but what was I to do?!

Truck on sister, truck on.

Monday, April 14, 2008

The Ride of My Life

A few nights ago I was out taking an evening stroll with my parents when I was overcome with a terrible pain in my side. (Probably due to the large glass of water I had consumed before we left the house. Nice.) We were halfway through the walk but as I was holding the dog leash in one hand and clutching my side with the other my parents took pity on me and suggested I climb onto my dads handlebars and let him peddle me the rest of the way home. Easier said than done.

The art of riding a bicycle is no challenge to me, but riding double? I haven't done that in over 15 years---and it showed. I had no idea what I was doing. It was as though all my bicycle logic had flown right out the window. I wound up with my knees bent over the handlebars and my bum resting on the lower bar. Painful. I had no trouble trusting my dad's strength to wheel us around, but sitting on that bare bar was no pleasant task. Every time my dad raised his legs to peddle I was getting a knee in the back because of how low I was sitting on the bar. It was a comical sight to behold. Truly!

After a few minutes of that I was ready to walk the rest of the way home. My mom then looked at me and said, "Well of course that's gonna hurt, you're supposed to sit ON the handlebars." What?! Why did I not think of that? Probably because the last time I rode double on my dad's bike I was 3 ft. tall! After some quick repositioning I was sitting ON the handlebars and got the ride of my life! Dad was free to peddle away as I sat in front, clinging to the handlebars while trying to keep my giraffe legs up in the air. I couldn't help but laugh at what we looked like. The circus came to town!

As Dad continued the joyride of loop-de-loos and hair-pinned turns I was preparing myself for an emergency landing just in case. Although we were having a fairly good time all I could see in the back of my head was a picture of me doing a face plant on the pavement and busting my teeth. Not pretty.

Who needs a helmet? Certainly not us......PAHHH!

Test Day

Saturday afternoon found me in a classroom sitting behind a student desk with a pencil in hand. It totally felt like high school all over again while we sat there waiting for the go-ahead to open our test booklets. As this was my second test of the day I was feeling pretty calm and even took the time to glance around the classroom and observe the people surrounding me. I tell you, I felt like "Dwight" was sitting to my right. He seemed like the rocket scientist type. Tall and thin as a bean pole, pulled-patchy hair (as though he was at his wits end trying to come up with a calculation) and miniscule glasses. I could totally picture him in a white lab coat. Before we began testing I couldn't help but notice that his shoes were off and his legs were stretched out to the side. Strange. He clearly wasn't afraid to make himself comfortable (even at the expense of making others uncomfortable.) As I quickly averted my gaze I felt like I was being watched. I took note of his shifty eyes. It was hard to tell whether he was looking at me or something else in the room as he would quickly jerk his head around in choppy fashion.

I tried to keep my eyes in check but with somebody so unique sitting next to me I couldn't help but casually turn my head every now and then and sneak a peek.

Shakin' Like a Leaf

I've come to the realization that caffeine and I just don't get along. Friday night found us down at our favorite fried fish joint in Phoenix and when it came to choosing my drink I thought I would do a good thing and skip the soda. Instead, I chose iced tea. Smart choice, right? NOT! Even though I filled my cup to the rim with ice I still consumed too much iced tea for my body to handle. I got the shakes that night.

As I was in my parents room later that evening I felt like I was going to pass out (and I couldn't blame it on bad fish). As I said good-night to my mom I turned around, dropped to the floor and crawled across the house to my bedroom. I figured if I fell or passed out I'd at least be closer to the floor with less distance to fall. Mom laughed me out of her room. After I got my shower I was still feeling like something weird was coursing through my body. I looked down at my hands and noticed they were shaking like a leaf. The caffeine had definitely taken effect. I practically collapsed onto my bed that evening and let sleep overtake me. (As though I could do anything else after a crash like that.)

Good thing I didn't drink the Code Red. Pahhh!

Friday, April 11, 2008

Bad Hair Day

I caught my image just now in the glass door here at work and all I could say was "Yikes!" I'm working on letting my hair grow out some, but I think it's time for a trim. I feel like I have a wooly mammoth on the back of my head. Apparently I didn't put enough hair cream in this morning to keep the poof-factor under control.

Where's a hat when you need one........

Thursday, April 10, 2008

The Ol' Ball Game

Yesterday afternoon I had the wonderful opportunity to skip out on work and head downtown for a ball game. The weather was perfect, the game was good, and whichever direction your eyes chose to roam you were bound to find some source of entertainment.

Around the 7th inning I happened to glance over at my brother and couldn't help but let out a laugh. There he sat with his hands cupped around his eyes, as make-shift binoculars. (Because you can see so much better like that---per our Grandma. Pahhh!) Hilarious! My sister and I couldn't help but laugh at his antics. And of course, I couldn't help myself. I leaned across my sister and casually asked him if he might share his "binoculars" with me. He happily passed them off to me and I then placed them on my own eyes. Use your imagination. Let me tell you, I got a beautiful close-up of the outfielder. Good times!

Oh yes, let me not forget to tell you about this. An older gentleman sitting in front of me took the 7th inning stretch to heart. We were all sitting in our seats when the next thing I know---BAM--- his fist was a breath away from making contact with my face. Apparently he forgot about the people sitting behind him during his dire need to stretch out the ol' joints. As I leaned back in my seat to prevent contact with his fist he seemed to lean even farther into his stretch. I glanced over at my sister and I think we both shared the "what in the world" look. Talk about awkward. I thought he'd never finish his stretch.

Rendered Helpless

A few nights ago my brother came out and started poking me and pushing me and the next thing I know, I'm slung over his shoulder and he's spinning me around super fast in the family room. I was SO not even ready for that move and I couldn't "prepare" my body and brain for what was to come. I tell you, I was a mess. I don't know if it was the stress of the situation that worked up a lather in my mouth or what, but when he was spinning me, out of the corner of my eye I saw a saliva dangley fall from my mouth. He was spinning me so fast I couldn't even suck the spit in! It was out of control---or I should say, out of my hands. He finally placed me on the ground and my legs were like rubber bands. In all my dizziness I practically fell into the kitchen table and wound up just leaning on a chair for all I was worth. I was facing away from my brother because I didn't know whether to cry or laugh. I was ready to walk out the door and head to class when he had that little outburst of chaos and then I had to try and stop my legs from being wobbly willows so I could walk out the door. As I went to pick up my poster board with my project on it, there sitting in the corner was a little drop of spit. I could NOT BELIEVE IT!

The little punk. Pahhh!

(Yes, I can laugh about it now, but after being spun on a full stomach my brain and body were not in tune nor prepared for that full throttle episode.)

Monday, April 7, 2008

Curse of the Curl

Last night my mom suggested that I brush my hair out before I get a shower. (To prevent excess hair from slipping down the drain you see.) Months ago, my brother removed the drain cover to the tub and as nothing was there to catch my hair, well..........down it went. Clog city. The clog is gone, the cover is back on the drain, but I suppose mom looks at the "pre-brush" as a precaution.

Do you know what you ask of me?!

After brushing my hair and staring in the mirror, I was amazed at the results. Not only was my scalp on fire from brushing out the tangles, but my hair had tripled in size! "Anyone care for some sweet tea?"

Yes, it was Texas BIG.

Thursday, April 3, 2008

Karate Kid

Where to begin.....

How about here---my brother showed up at the office today. Soon after, I began to suffer from a low blood sugar "episode". My legs were ready to buckle and I was about to get emotional. (It's a side effect!) I'm standing there telling my sister and brother that my legs have the shakes when the next thing I know my brother gets that crazed look in his eyes, grabs my leg with both his hands and pretends to shake it. Before I even knew what I was doing I had lifted my arm and karate-chopped him where the shoulder meets the neck meat! That's a first. It was like an instant reaction, no thinking involved.

I wish you could have seen his face! I think it's safe to say that he was not expecting that. (Nor was I.) As he was letting it sink in that he had just taken a karate-chop blow, I took that opportunity to stand there in amazement and with wide eyes I began to examine the hand that delivered the blow.
Then I collapsed on the floor.

Lesson to my brother: Don't mess with someone who is suffering from low blood sugar. LOL

Carrots and Dirt

Have you ever eaten a carrot (or any other raw veggie) and felt like you were eating dirt?

Well, as I'm attempting to snack healthy I'm sitting here at my desk munching on carrots and dip. I apparently did NOT get enough dip on that last carrot to cover the mystery "carrot taste". As I was chewing it my tastebuds were hit with that peculiar flavor of dirt and I nearly went into convulsions! My face contorted in revolt against the taste and my arms jerked towards my body as though I'd been tasered.

All I could hope was that nobody saw that display of veggie protest. I slowly raised my seat and peeked over the top of my computer to see if the nearest employee saw that. Nope, he was on the phone.

YESSSS!

"What's that, eh?"

Here at the office there is an employee that I just can NOT understand. Literally. When he says something to me I always wind up botching it up and make a comment that is totally irrelevant to what he's said or try to cover with an "Mm-hmm" or a "ha-ha". As he is from England there is a slight accent, but the real kicker is that he mumbles. Most of the time he mumbles something to me as he is passing by, but if I can't see his face then I am up a creek without a paddle. Half the time I don't even know how to respond to him as I'm still standing there just trying to decipher what he said.

Anywho, this morning he came waltzing through the lobby and made some comment (aka-mumbled noises) about the day. As I'm standing there with a blank look on my face, racking my brain trying to figure out what he gurgled, I opt for the easy out. I smile, nod, and say "yeah..." A safe remark, right? Wrong. As he came in for a closer encounter, I'm beginning to think---oh no, what did I just say "yeah" to?!

Sometimes it's just better to look busy and ignore.

Wednesday, April 2, 2008

Follow Your Nose

A couple of ladies had garlic bread with their lunch today in the break room. Quite the fragrance, believe me. The smell was literally carried throughout the whole office. As I was out and about walking down one of the hallways at work I came across a co-worker who was standing smack dab in the middle of the hall drilling people passing by on whether or not it was them. He stops another co-worker in the hallway and let me tell you, this co-worker looked like he was about to sweat under the spotlight. He quickly sayid, "I had a ham and cheese sandwich, that's all!" I felt like telling the innocent co-worker he didn't have to answer to bossy britches nosiness. Why don't you just follow your own nose rather than stand there and accuse everyone that walks by.

I know who had the garlic today. I just didn't feel the need to indulge bossy co-worker with that tidbit of insider knowledge.

Burn baby, burn

I got a little bit of sun over Easter weekend and I am just now starting to peel. I only thought I was going to get away scott-free.

I tried rubbing the area with a wet washcloth this morning and figured that would take care of it. Well, a few hours into my work day my sister walks out to my desk and says, "You're peeling!" I look down and I can see all the little white flakes curling up on the edges like mud in a dried up lake. Ick! She makes a comment about using the lint roller but as we don't carry one of those at work I went for the next best thing. Packing tape. Yep, I peeled off a piece of tape and laid it across "the zone". Let's just say the tape did its job. A few pieces of that and I was flake free. (sounds like a dandruff commercial)

Leaves my skin feeling silky smooth baby, silky smooth.

Way to improvise.

Tuesday, April 1, 2008

And the jokes continue........

As though April Fool's at the office could get any better....

We've had a fake bagel in the break room, a rat in the freezer, and a cockroach by the copy machine. None of those shocked my socks off, however, what I found in the bathroom nearly stopped my heart. I was drying my hands off on the paper towels and typically I use the paper towel to open the door (you can never be too careful). So, as is custom without looking at the door I reached for the handle to make my exit. When I turned my head to actually look at the door handle my heart lurched into my throat and I practically stopped on a dime. Urrrch- it was as though I had walked into a wall. There staring back at me was a LARGE, hairy spider. What's ridiculous is the fact that it looked totally fake, I just wasn't paying attention and it caught me off guard.

What can I say.....April Fool's.

April Fool's

For some strange reason I thought the tricks and pranks would die out as you age. Today at the office I found that to be --- not true. I came to work this morning thinking nothing of this first day of April. I sat down at my desk ready to start my day, and as I moved the mouse to open my email I noticed it felt like sandpaper was underneath the mouse rubbing against the mouse pad. I thought it strange. I turned the mouse over thinking "what in the world" and there taped to the back of my mouse was a piece of paper with a jester on it shouting "Happy April Fool's Day". How quaint.

As I sat at my desk I noticed a trail of male employees that continued to walk through the lobby. They sheepishly look at the walls and continue on their way. I'm thinking to myself, "Have I missed something?!" Hmmm.... I quickly take inventory of the office and notice that black moustache's are covering the upper lip of all the people in our lobby pictures. Apparently, somebody (and I know who) went to great lengths to ensure that we all felt the warm and cuddly feeling from an April Fool's joke.

Astonishing.

Is this REALLY necessary? LOL