Saturday, January 31, 2009

Toilet Paper Tales

I just have to say that guys have it soooo easy when it comes to using the restroom. (For going number one that is.)

Guys don't have to worry about standing for long waits in line. They don't have to worry about where to place their "purse" in the small stall or deal with mystery moistness on the seats. Nor do they have to worry about lacing the toilet seat with toilet paper or a seat cover. I found myself doing that exact thing this week in a public bathroom. I was trying my best not to turn around too fast and cause a breeze in the small stall that might blow my toilet paper strips off the toilet and onto the floor. It didn't work very well. Apparently turning your body at 2mph in a 3x2 foot stall creates enough draft to move anything. My tissue paper thin strip of TP fell into the toilet and I was back to square one.

Oh the toils we women go through.

Monday, January 26, 2009

Bouncin'

This evening I am working on recovering from my embarrassment from my earlier episode of walking into a wall.

I was subbing in a classroom today and I had lined the children up to go to P.E. We were walking through the neighboring classroom and right before we headed out of their door I turned around to watch my students and make sure they were being quiet and staying in line. I continued taking steps backwards but miscalculated how close I was to the door, and I walked right into the door frame! The blinds in the little window by the door were shaking from the impact and I practically BOUNCED off the door frame as I did a 360 turn. I'm not kidding. I picked up some momentum coming off of the door frame, it all happened so fast. The little boy that was leading the line looked at me with an ever so serious face and asked me, "Are you okay?" I assured him I was fine. (In the back of my mind, all I was trying to do was figure out how many people, aka-adults, saw that smooth move.)

Well, I quickly found out. The teacher in the classroom that we were passing through never let on that she saw anything, but as I BOUNCED out the door---there stood the two male P.E. teachers and they both were wearing silly grins of amusement. They were having trouble hiding their laughter. Of course I was all smiles, acting as though nothing out of the ordinary had happened and walked my kids up to their P.E. teacher. Secretly I think I was hoping that they were just laughing at something one of their students had said to them.

Wishful thinking............?

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

3 Wiper Diaper

One of the kids my mom watches during the week had a blowout today. Mom attacked the job with gusto, as any mom would, and as she was knuckle-deep in the messy diaper she was saying how she was already on her third wipe for the job.

I couldn't help it. I looked at her and said, "Forget 5 Alarm Fire, we've got a 3 Wiper-Diaper on our hands!" No sooner had the words departed my tongue than a smile broke across my moms face. That was followed up by gales of laughter.

Nothing like laughter in life's messiest situations.

I do my best. : )

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Crossing Guard

This morning as I was contentedly dreaming of who knows what, I was suddenly awaken by my ringing cell phone. It was the phone call I'd been waiting for! The computerized call informed me that I was to log online and view the specific instructions that came with the subbing job for the day. As it was 5:15a.m I still had another 40 minutes before my alarm was to go off, and despite trying to get back to sleep I just couldn't. My curiosity was killing me! What were the "specific instructions" for the day.......what did it mean?! Did the teacher have a special needs student? Was it a rough crowd? Was I in for trouble?!

Needless to say, I couldn't handle it and jumped out of bed. I logged on the computer to see what these "special instructions" were. With great anticipation I clicked the highlighted section and up popped:

---Crossing guard duty---

What?! That's it? THAT was the big news? Pa-shaw.

Granted, I was a little nervous about toting the responsibilities of crossing guard. It's a position I've never had before at the schools but I looked at it as a "fun" challenge. The school day came and went and then it was my time to really shine. You think I kid, but that orange vest you have to wear could outshine the sun. So there I was, sportin' that orange vest and hauling that STOP sign above my head. Behold the power of the orange vest. (Ever so stylish.)

The power to stop traffic could definitely go to my head.

Friday, January 16, 2009

Peeping Tom

As I was getting dressed this morning I had opened my wooden blinds just a hair to let in a little sunshine. I finished clothing myself and I opened them up a little more, about half an inch, and turned to put my PJ's away. When I turned back around I froze in fear! There I stood, eyes as huge as saucers with a heart that skipped a beat or two. I think I had to remind myself to breath again. Standing directly on the sidewalk outside my window was the form of someone in a lumberjack shirt and glasses, staring directly towards my window. Creepy! I knew there was no way they could have seen anything with the blinds being practically closed, but it still gave me quite a shock.

I knew the person outside would have to be looking really hard to see me through the now open blinds so I carefully and quietly crept closer to the window and dared a peek out for a closer look. The peeping tom outside my window was actually one of the older ladies in the neighborhood out walking her dog. She let him wander halfway up into our yard, directly in the path of my window. Nothing like a heart-stopping scare in the early morning hours. Sheesh.

(I think I know who's been letting their dog poop in our yard.....)

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Porta-Potty's on the Move

Today I had the wonderful opportunity to sub at the school where I student taught at the beginning of the school year. As I was making my way up from the parking lot I looked around and noticed that the construction process on the 5th grade classrooms had begun. One of my 4th grade students that I had student taught saw me and immediately rushed over. I began talking to her about the construction process and she quickly said with wide eyed excitement and a beaming smile, "The porta-potty's are moving!"

I truly had to bite back a laugh, for what she meant to say was---the portables (outside classrooms) are moving. Probably didn't help that a blue roof to a porta-potty was sticking up over the construction fence. Nutty.

Monday, January 12, 2009

Open the Door

As the Arizona Cardinals have had an outstanding season this year, my dad has decided to show his team spirit and support by placing his window Cardinals flag on his truck. Now, it's not the typical flag size you see blowing on people's automobiles as they whiz by. His is a mini flag that he got free at a Cardinals game this season. It's probably a 5 x 7". (He pulled it out of his drawer. Pahhhhh!) Anywho, he is rocking that flag and I know he enjoys watching it blow in the breeze as he drives about town. I even saw him tweak his side mirror so he could check it out. Soooo funny!

Well, we were on our way home from lunch on Sunday and as I looked up and out my window to see the little flag, I noticed it was twisted up. Something was terribly wrong with it. I knew I couldn't roll down my window because the flag would pop off the window and be left in the dust. Dad tweaked his mirror so he could see it better and all I heard him say was, "Open your door." At that point, all I could think of was that he expected me to open the door, stand up, lean over the truck door, and use my fingers to untwist the flag. Was he crazy?! As I was trying to comprehend what he "expected" me to do (or I should say, what I "thought" he wanted me to do and all that opening the door entailed) I continued to hear him say, "Open your door. OPEN your door." I don't know what my problem was but my mind was getting stuck over the idea that he wanted me to pull a Spider Man and free the flag by hanging out the door.

Amid all the commotion, it finally dawned on me what he wanted me to do. Open the door!!! Hello. With his last, "OPEN THE DOOR!" comment, (and yes, they were getting louder, haha, not that I blame him) I realized it was a simple fix. All I had to do was open the door and the flag would be free flyin! Who's a moron?! Pahhhhhh! I quickly opened the door a few inches and closed it. The Cardinals flag was finally free and spreading the Cardinal power once again. As it was no longer an embarrassment to my dad, he was a happy camper. He's proud of that lil' flag.

As we were loading up from the restaurant, I apparently shut the flag in the door as I got in. My bad. The whole episode sure made us laugh hysterically though. At least Mom, my sister and I were. Dad was just trying to get a grip after dealing with a daughter who just happened to have a blonde moment. Tahhhhh!

Seriously, what was I thinking?! Like my dad would want me to hang out the truck door. As if!

What do you think?

I'm at a loss. I don't know what to think about these pups I got. Dog people out there, help me out and paint me a picture.

I weighed them today and they each weigh 34.5lbs. They're about 6 months old. How big do YOU think they are going to get?! I'm so out of the puppy loop. I'm having trouble trying to picture these girls down the road. Do they double in size?! I can't imagine..........

Help me size 'em up! Your thoughts.......?

(FYI- my sister thinks they will be around 70lbs.)

Thursday, January 8, 2009

Dumb Dogs

All was quiet in the house. The children were napping, Mom and I were resting on the couches, and the dogs were snoozing in the backyard........or so we thought.

Mom and I nearly suffered heart attacks after what just took place. There we were resting, nearly asleep, when out of nowhere came the most horrific yelping sound from a dog, as though it was being killed. Mom and I both flew off of the couches trying to figure out what was going on. I thought the dogs were killing each other while my mom thought they had escaped and had been hit by a car. So there we were, both half asleep in a panic trying to figure out what was going on. I rushed out to the backyard expecting to find blood or worse. And what did I find?! Both dogs came nonchalantly walking up to me from the side yard. I rushed over to where they had come from and took in my surroundings. I was able to register the situation and came up with my own conclusion as to what happened.

I believe the culprit was Chloe. I noticed there was a pile of black foam, bitten and chewed up by the front gate where the seed spreader had previously been. The seed spreader was now feet away from me in the corner of the backyard. My guess: Chloe felt the ever annoying need to chew on something and took out her teething issues on the handlebar of my dad's seeder. Somehow she must have gotten stuck in the wire that runs from the handle down to the seeder carrier, she panicked and along with all of her yelping and freakish barking, hauled that thing down the side of our house to where it now rested. By the time I got out there, she had already freed herself, but as I walked over to the crime scene she knew she'd done bad and her tail was tucked between her legs. After I cleaned up all the rubber pieces lying by the garage door, I went for the seeder so I could put it away and Chloe freaked. She looked petrified. I think she got the poop scared out of her from that little episode. (Serves her right!)

Mom came outside to see if I was okay and she told me she half expected to see me bent over one of the dogs with their innards hanging out. Pahhhhhhh! Dumb dogs.

Deep down I think I was hoping it was the neighbors dogs causing a scene. What kind of animals am I raising?! Knuckleheads.

Crossed the Line

My brother got a nerf gun, rifle style, for Christmas from a friend and he has been running through the house playing with that thing. Well, last night he pulled out another nerf gun, revolver style, and went shooting through the house with my sisters dog, Bella. After he tired of that, my brother plopped himself on the couch across from me and pointed the nerf gun at ME. His words were, "Hmmm, am I going to shoot your chest or your head.....your chest or your head?" He continued aiming at the two targets much to my dismay as I just wanted to lay on the love seat and let my food settle from dinner. Besides, I had already roughed him up once that evening when I Go-Go-Gadgeted my leg and knocked his nerf gun out of his hand. My sister stood in amazement in the family room as she exclaimed, "Your leg just went across the whole living room floor!" (Not really, but you can use your imagination, do not underestimate the power behind these long legs.)

Anywho, my brother was aiming at me and I was trying to put my hands up to block whatever it was he was thinking of doing and even my sister in the family room joined in (on my side) and was telling him NOT to do it and to leave me alone. (Love my big sister! haha) Well, the next thing I heard was "POP" and he fired off a dart and hit me square in the chest. I took off after him into the living room and let him have it. Then my sister joined in grabbing his other arm, and we proceeded to take him to the floor. After getting him on the floor,I continued the torture with a Chuck Norris scissor-lock to his head. Talk about a good laugh! At that point my sister let go of her side and I began to slide on the floor and my brother knew he had regained the advantage. As he tried to fold me into a pretzel and stuff my head into his sweaty armpit I was going to have NONE of that. I was feeling desperate, like a trapped animal.........and he has the scratch marks and the bite marks to prove it. (Don't worry, I didn't bite hard. Just enough to ensure my escape.)

If only you could have seen it! On second thought, I'm glad you weren't here to see it. Tacky family wrestling between siblings?! No thanks. Don't need an audience for that one. Although......................I do have to say that the Chuck Norris scissor-lock was amazing! (Had no idea what I was doing, but I thought it looked good. Pahhhhh!)

Sunday, January 4, 2009

Before the dance begins.......

Before you decide to dance in front of your bedroom window---make sure the blinds are SHUT.

I was in my room working on some pictures and such while listening to some music by Jesse Cook. He is a guitarist and his music just has a beat that you can't help but swing your hips to and throw your hands in the air. Well, as I was caught up in the moment, I was swaying to the tune (use your imagination) and as it has been rainy today it started to get a little dark in the room, so I decided to turn on my bedroom lights. Note to self---make sure the blinds are shut before turning the lights on. There I was doing my dancing thing and enjoying life when a small thought in the back of my head intruded my happy time. It said, "Judith Anne, are your blinds open.......?" I kind of got that inkling feeling that I wasn't quite alone and when I turned around, there crossing the street was some guy looking my way. Fabulous. I nonchalantly grabbed the chord for the blinds and closed them as though it was no big deal at all.

Yep, that's me. The entertainer.