Sunday, September 28, 2008

The Ant Bully

There's a book titled "The Ant Bully" and it's a story about a boy who terrorizes the ants in his yard. Ever heard of it? By the end of the story though, the boy realizes the fault in his ways and makes the decision to be nice to the ants and leave them be. It's a great story and all, but in MY little world I tell you, it's the other way around! The ants find ways of terrorizing ME!

My latest ant story came while we were out hiking yesterday. Two of my friends and I started to hike up to the next ridge on the trail while a few others waited behind. We hadn't even cleared 20 feet from where the others were standing when I felt a terrible pain in my side......like something was BITING me! I grabbed my side and as I didn't see anything on my shirt I immediately lifted my shirt and I was horrified at what I saw. There, clinging to my side, was a huge black ant with wings, all curled up and gnarly looking, taking a bite out of me! All my senses went on alert and I nearly panicked while trying to shoo him out from under there. I was half expecting myself to go skipping off the side of the trail as I danced around trying to rid myself of the ant. I thought I'd flung him far away but as the pain still continued I realized he was still there. I lifted my shirt a second time and sent him flying for good while tenderly clutching my side, hahaha. No stowaways allowed.

How he got under there I'll never know, but I am beginning to lose my patience with these ant bullies. Don't let them fool you.........

And yes, I apologized to the girls for showing so much skin, but it was a mad dash to save my own hide from the attack...............of one little ant. Pahhhhhh!

Commercial Quality

I was out enjoying dinner with my sister and two friends last night and we were having a grand time over dinner. Anywho, I decided to start munching on the large slice of pickle that was served with my meal. I was thoroughly enjoying it when my sister noticed I was smiling at her (probably from being in pickle heaven) and she asked me why I was staring at her with a smile on my face. I said in an awe-filled voice, "This pickle is SO crunchy! It MUST be a Vlasic!" I couldn't get over how crunchy the pickle was! I followed that up with a huge smile and a look of pure enjoyment on my face as I took another bite of delicious pickle. At that point, the table burst into laughter and my sister told me that I should be the poster child for the Vlasic commercials. Talk about talent!

The laughs didn't stop there. Guess my face was very animated last night, (honest, I wasn't even trying) and it kept the gals laughing. Perhaps that's why the youngster across from our table kept staring at me.

Darn my star quality......................hahaha!

Thursday, September 25, 2008

A Giggle Fest

Just when you think your kids aren't listening, they surprise you. For those of you who don't know me very well, I love to laugh. The only problem with my laughter is that once I get going, I'm helpless. It's not always easy for me to snap out of my laugh attack. Today was no exception.

I was reading a new book to my classroom called "Operation: Dump the Chump". Just the name of the story gets my kids giggly. It's a story about a boy who wants to get rid of his younger brother for a whole summer because he is constantly driving him nuts-o. During oral reading today, I came to a part of the story that once again drove my students to burst into giggles, which led ME to a near fit of giggles. And guess what the topic of the story was at that point? Yep, underwear. (See story FRUIT of the LOOM)

The older brother in the story has absolutely had it with his brother and has decided to set a plan into motion that will get his brother shipped off for the summer. Oscar lists many reasons why he is ready to "dump the chump" and secretly begins the start to his operation.

At one point he begins to explain about a time when his brother made him so mad, he took off running outside to chase him down and pummel him good. His younger brother Robbie had been peeping in his window while he tried on his new underwear as he was sporting his new look in front of the mirror. (enter the children's giggles) Robbie let out a "va-va-va-voom" followed by a whistle, and that was the last straw for Oscar. He finally gets outside and clobbered his brother good, which made his brother wail, which in turn brought the next door neighbors out. At that point, Oscar finally realized he was still wearing his underwear.

And the story continues: (excerpt from the book)

---I was so embarrassed, I didn't know what to do. And neither did the Farley's. So we all just stood there staring at each other.

Finally I just kind of waved at them and said, "Hi there, Mr. and Mrs. Farley. How do you like my new underwear?"

Mrs. Farley didn't answer. She just shook her head real disgustedly and walked back to her house. But Mr. Farley took a few steps in my direction and put his hands on his hips. "For heavens sake, Oscar," he said. "Don't you think you're rather old to be running around the neighborhood in your panties?"

Panties! The guy actually called my underwear panties! I've never really forgiven Mr. Farley for that.---

As I was reading that portion, I didn't really think the kids were listening THAT well to what was going on, but oh how wrong I was. They burst into a fit of giggles over that part and I couldn't help but laugh too. The nerve of that man calling his underwear panties! Heaven forbid, hahaha. (At least that's what the kids were thinking.) Just the fact that they were laughing wanted to make ME laugh! You have no idea how hard it is for me to continue reading when my face is breaking into a huge smile. It's tough trying to force words through my lips when a grin is being stretched from ear to ear. I feel like Elast-a-girl. I tried to muster through it as best I could and regain my composure so I could continue................a silly story indeed,but oh so entertaining for the kids.

There's no possible way you can just breeze through that passage without cracking a grin. I just can't help it though, the kids are glued to my every word. Darn my dramatic flair.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

"This....this......"

I was out front watering my garden yesterday with my two lil cousins shadowing me. As I was moving the water from one bed to the next, I heard the lil 3 year old repeating, "This...this...." behind me and I didn't know WHAT he was talking about. I turned around and saw that he held something dark brown between his two fingers and my first thought was that it was a dried flower bud. I leaned down for a closer look and noticed it was no flower bud. Indeed. It was a dried bird mess that was coiled like a little cinnamon roll. Chaaaaa!

I immediately told him to put it down---YUCKY. However, I couldn't help but turn around and laugh at his innocence. Where as I see a bird poop, he sees a neat little brown shape that needs a closer inspection. Never a dull moment!

And no worries, we came inside and washed our hands with lots of soap.

Be Careful What You Wish For

Last night I was so fired up as I took the trash out and I learned that I really should be careful what I wish for.

Before I took the trash out, I had been making my bed but was having a terrible time trying to get the mattress pad on the bad. I would get one corner on and move around the bed to do the next corner when the opposite corner would pop off! I was about to lose it.........

Anywho, after I finally finished making my bed, I went plowing outside to dump the trash, and as I was fired up about the bed giving me fits, I said to myself, "If I see a cockroach loitering out here (as we have for the past few nights) I'm liable to kill it right on the spot." As I dumped the trash around the side of the house I thought nothing of my words UNTIL I made it back to the front porch. There standing between me and the front door was a big cockroach with his WINGS popped up. SICK! I felt like saying---why tonight, but then I remembered that I practically asked for it. Cockroaches are so skittish though and they make me nervous when I'm trying to kill them. If only I'd had my shoes on.........

I decided to rise to the occasion, seems how I practically asked for it, and grabbed the closest thing I could find to squish it. I snatched a log from the wood pile and for a split second I felt paralyzed with fear. I didn't want to get to close for fear that at any second he would launch himself at my legs. So, as I didn't want to get too close I decided to throw the log at him and just hoped that it would land on top of him. It didn't. The roach went scurrying off to the side of the porch and I grabbed another log from the pile and tried to smack him as he climbed up the brick wall. That definitely got him running, but after a few good whacks I finally squished him for good.

As I came into the house, my dad asked me a few minutes later what I'd been doing because he heard me clacking the wood around on the front porch and I dramatically told him how I took down the roach. He replied back with, "Oh, I thought you were getting wood ready for a fire." Pahhhhhhh! As if! Needless to say, it's time to spray.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Marriage & Love

Kids are SO funny!

During school today, one of my boy students came up to me with a question. He and another student had been looking at some classroom yearbooks from the previous years at this school and there were some questions printed in the back of the book that he wasn't too sure about. He came up to me with a furrowed brow and asked me what the phrase meant. It read: My Future---My family will consist of.........

As he looked at me with confusion written all over his face I explained to him that they were questions regarding his future, sort of like a wish list. I told him that he could write about what he wants his future family to consist of. Do you want to be married with a wife, how many kids do you want to have, and how many pets you want, etc. I think the "marriage" and "wife" word did the most damage. After explaining what the question meant, he quietly walked back to his seat. I followed him nonchalantly back to his seat, just in time to hear him say to her (in a VERY serious voice), "Do NOT answer this." He looked so grossed out and disgusted with that question and I so wanted to laugh out loud at his response! The girl quickly turned her yearbook to the same page so she could see what he was talking about. Guess these 8 year olds are still at the age where they get embarrassed about marriage and love.

Bless his little heart. Someday he'll grow out of that........hahaha!

Monday, September 15, 2008

Powering Down

I'm pathetic, I know. I've had the same cell phone for nearly 5 years. Time for an upgrade, right? I'd have to agree.

Last night I was talking on the phone when I heard a beeping in my ear. I pulled the phone away and noticed that the battery was getting low. No big deal. I ignored it for a few minutes but after the phone continued beeping I decided it was time to plug it into the charger. I figured the phone would begin to charge so I carried on with my conversation, despite the warning beeps that continued to fill my ear. On a sidenote, let me just say that I am surprised as anyone that my battery is still kicking. Everyday I wonder if this is going to be the day my phone dies.

After a few more minutes passed by, my phone began a quick repetition of loud beeps in my ear and the screen then read "Powering Down Now". I have never seen my phone completely drained like that and for one sad moment I thought this was it. My phone shut off and all that was left was a black screen staring back at me. I think I was in shock. I couldn't understand why it shutdown since I had it plugged into the charger. I stood there leaning over my bed, staring at my phone, with such a sad look on my face. I thought it had completely died, the battery was dead, no life, zilch-o. THEN, I realized that the phone charger wasn't clicked all the way into the phone. Who's the space case?! As soon as I realized THAT was the problem, I popped the charger in all the way and the phone immediately started charging.

Why.......why.......................WHY??? hahaha

"There's a flake on your lip."

How do you react to that?!

How would you feel if some old man came up to you and told you there was a flake on your lip?

Well, that's exactly what happened to me on Sunday night at a church potluck. We were all standing around afterwards in groups talking, and one elderly man came up to me. He is well known around the church, all you have to do is say this person's name and everyone knows exactly who you are talking about. He's definitely got a name for himself---an interesting character, he is. Anywho, he came up to me and joined in our conversation and after a minute or so of having him stand a little too close for comfort, I noticed him staring at my face. I glanced over at him as I casually took a step back and that's when he decided to pop in with this comment: "There's a flake on your lip." Just like that. (Except he's got a smile on his face.) Immediately my eyes go wide. I begin to panic, thinking the worst, that there's a flake of dried food on my lip or stuck in between my teeth. He continues staring at me intently and I'm getting rather embarrassed that this "flake" is drawing so much unwanted attention. I raise my hand to cover my mouth and attempt to quickly wipe away this mystery flake on my face. His brow furrows and he tells me not to wipe it away because it was so pretty. Turns out, the "flake" was just a piece of glitter resting above my lip. Must have been a sparkle from my lotion or something. GOOD NIGHT! Way to scare a girl, ol' fella!

Sunday, September 14, 2008

Bella the Monkey

WHEN, I ask you, did my sisters dog turn into a tree climbing monkey?!

We went down to the shelter on Saturday to get a rabies shot for Bella, and as my sister was up at the counter I was sitting on a bench trying to comfort poor Bella. She seemed to have caught a case of the shakes. Her little black legs were shaking like limp noodles. If only you could have seen it. It must have been all the smells she was taking in that made her nervous, her nose was working overtime. I, personally, have never seen that place so empty. Other than another person up at the counter we were the only ones in there. No other animals were in the lobby. Now that's a first!

Anywho, all I did was look away for a second from where Bella was seated beside me, and that's all it took for her to turn into a raving monkey. In a matter of seconds she went from having her two front paws on my lap to sinking her claws into my thighs and pulling herself up onto my lap, monkey style. I have never seen a dog do a pull up, but this had to be about the closest thing to one I'd ever seen. Ferocious pain went shooting up my legs as her claws dug in. There was no casual jump to assist her voyage to my lap, oh no, it was her brute strength that pulled her up. Talk about abs of steel. Never in my life have I seen a dog do a stomach curl like that. By the time I realized what she was doing it was too late. The damage had already been done, the scratches were seared into my legs. All I saw out of the corner of my eye was a black ball of fur clinging to my legs for dear life.

At that moment, I didn't care about the scratches. I was sitting there in awe and shock at what Bella had just done. (Plus the fact that I was probably more concerned about her going to the bathroom on my lap since she was soooooo nervous.)

Thursday, September 11, 2008

Fruit of the Loom

Up until today, I never thought Fruit of the Loom was that funny............UNTIL I read a line from a book today in front of my 4th grade students.

I began reading our new story today during oral reading and nearly lost it. The book is based on a true story of the tornadoes that ravaged Nebraska in the summer of 1980. The story is written in first person by a 10 year old boy as he explains in his own words what happened on that frightful day.

The boy went on to explain how he won a raffle that morning after finishing a bike race in nearly last place. Let's just say that winning the raffle was definitely the upside to his morning. As I continued reading, the students were listening intently to the boys description of all the cool prizes he had won in that raffle. Not only did he win a brand new Schwinn Stingray, but he won "........a three pack of Fruit of the Loom white underwear...." Oh boy---as soon as I read that line the classroom erupted in a fit of giggles and shy, sly glances to others sitting around them. As soon as I voiced the words to that line I wanted to LAUGH because I could just imagine what the kids were going to do. I couldn't help the smile that broke across my face. It was too funny and I know my voice shook with laughter as I tried to get myself under control again. It took a lot of will power to wipe that smile off of my face and continue on with the story.

Never knew Fruit of the Loom could be so funny! But then again, I don't typically talk underwear with my students. Hahaha!

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

Dizzy Me

Every day in the 4th grade classroom, we have something we like to call---oral reading. The students are allowed to work on their certain tasks silently while I walk around the classroom reading orally. A no brainer, right?!

Well, today as I was walking around the classroom I found myself almost falling into a desk. Oh yes. You see, as I walk around the classroom I am staring so intently at the words I am to be reading and every so often my eyes begin to roam off the page and I catch a glimpse of the floor. As I prefer to move around while orally reading, my intense focus on the words in front of me clashes with the floor that appears to be swirling below me. Things become fuzzy and the room begins to swirl in circles as I desperately try to channel my focus back onto the page I am reading while attempting to regain my balance. (All in the hopes of preventing students with a story to share at the dinner table.) I stand there frozen in time, madly blinking my eyes trying to regain my focus, while the students stare at me in anticipation, believing that I have added yet another dramatic pause to the story.

I can't even begin to tell you how many times I have almost fallen victim (no pun intended, haha) to the swirling floor.

Monday, September 8, 2008

Chicken Soup for the Soul.............NOT

To my dear sister,

Now I know why you don’t like chicken noodle soup. Now I know………

I was eating a bowl of soup at the table late this morning when I glanced down at the spoon I was about to pop into my mouth and noticed a lumpy piece of chicken staring back at me. Normally I can look past that and just eat it, but I couldn't help but notice the "tubey" looking thing sticking out of it. Talk about losing my appetite. I ate the few noodles still swimming in the bottom of the bowl and drank a little more broth before deciding I was done. I then proceeded to the kitchen sink where I dumped out the remaining broth and a chicken chunk or two. When I tipped the bowl back over, guess what was hiding underneath the spoon? Yep, that nasty looking little piece of chicken. What are the chances of that?!

I have no idea what came over me because I find that stuff to be terribly gross, and once I see it I can not get the visual picture out of my head. However, for some strange reason, there I stood over the sink, bowl and spoon in hand while I dissected this piece of chicken and picked it apart. I felt like I was in science class again. It wasn't pretty.

I don’t think I will ever be able to look at chicken noodle soup the same.

Sincerely,
Your ailing sister

(I agree with you. I am all for the hearty looking pieces of chicken in soups, but these little chunks they throw into this soup make you wonder where it's coming from. Might as well call it the mystery meat, because we don't know what part of the chicken it is!)

Sunday, September 7, 2008

Celery Lips

Last night I was out baby-sitting my lil' 10 year old friend and we decided to go out for pizza. We arrived to the restaurant and while we talked about what kind of pizza we wanted to have made, she informed me that she also wanted to have some wings. I continued to ask her which kind she wanted and she replied back with the "mild". Well, as there is no "mild" on the menu, I had to just assume that out of the three styles listed, the choice in the middle was the milder of the three. After clarifying with the waiter, our order was off and the wings were delivered.

I've had my fair share of mild tasting wings and last night I wasn't feeling up to the zip that they leave on your tongue so I let my little charge dig in. We were chatting back and forth and as I watched her I noticed that after she ate a wing or two she would take a bite of celery and would rub the remaining celery stick over her lips in a fashionable style. I didn't question what she was doing and just figured she was pretending to put on lipstick. Goofy kid stuff, right?! After she had her fill of mild wings I asked her how they were and she told me they were a bit spicy and they left a tingle on her lips. I glanced away for a second and when I looked back over at her, she had dressing smeared all over her lips, thanks to the helpful celery stick, and I asked her what she was doing. She informed me that the dressing helped to cool down her lips, and she would follow through with a run over by the celery because the cool, crisp water in the celery pieces helped to put out the fire.

And here I thought she was just playing beauty parlor.

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

Oh, Shoot

What a doozie!

This morning I was giving my 4th graders their spelling pre-test when I noticed one of the new spelling words was "shoot". Our routine when giving a test is to say the word, use it in a sentence, and repeat the word one last time. My mind drew a blank when it came time to place "shoot" in a sentence and as the students were watching me, waiting for the sentence, I popped out the only thing that came to mind. I said, "I must learn how to shoot the gun." (On a side note, I would just like to say that I don't think the lead teacher was in the classroom when that went down, but maybe he was, I can't remember. Pahhhhhh! Hopefully he wasn't.......) After repeating the word, I noticed a few boys who immediately decided to pretend their hands were guns. Terrific, Miss Judith Anne.

Not until a few hours later did I realize my mistake in phrasing the sentence. I felt like knocking myself in the head. I could have said one of many sentences such as, "The coach told me to shoot the ball." HELLO! Why did I not put two and two together?! I could have tied in "shoot" with any kind of sport or ball. What a doofus, hahaha.

So much for a violence free school zone. Good grief. Maybe I should skip making up my own sentences for their spelling words from now on and use the example sentences in the teachers manual...........now there's an idea!